The goal of this guide is to help you manage tensions between you and other Applifters.
The Applifter's Codex says that resolving tensions is a natural part of being in any organization. Do not be afraid of tension resolution and take it as an opportuinity for discussion. It is important you know how to deal with tensions so as to minimize their toxicity for both you and your colleague and so that your actions lead to a successful tension resolution.
Below, a procedure is recommended on how to solve tensions so that we all feel comfortable here. Obviously, no two tensions are the same and each one has to be dealt with a little differently. Should you be at a loss, go ask the Council of Elders for help.
Do you need to handle a tension with a colleague? Before you start, you should clear a couple of things out in your head or on paper.
The goal of the preparation is not to "collect ammunition" to beat your opponent down with arguments. Instead, the goal is to be able to look at the problem/situation from different angles, put yourself in your colleague's shoes and understand their motivation and behavior, to clarify your emotions, to find what you need to change and to think about how the situation could be resolved.
- What is the point of the tension, devoid of emotions? How can you describe the problem matter-of-factly?
- What is the colleague's viewpoint in the tension?
- What emotions are you experiencing? How do you feel?
- What emotions is your colleague likely to be experiencing?
- What might be your colleague's motivation? Why did he act the way he did?
- What kind of change do you want to achieve? What is the ideal solution for you (feel free to think of more than one)?
First, check the facts. The perception of a tension can often be caused by misunderstanding. Make sure that you have a good enough understanding of the situation.
If you feel a lot of negative emotions prior to the confrontation, try to soften them first. Don't deal with the tension in an emotional state. You will lose your rationality in the heat of the moment and you may surprise yourself with your reactions (negatively).
Things that can help you with that:
- Sit down in a quiet room for five minutes and meditate on your colleague. Concentrate on their positive personality traits and the nice things you have been through together. Realize that you are likely to laugh off the upcoming tension over a pint or two together in about half a year.
- Go work on something else for a while. Do something that makes you happy, relaxes you and that will renew your faith in people's goodwill.
- Let the situation settle down, sleep on it.
- Any other method. After all, we are all different and who knows you better than yourself?
Stop your colleague in private and ask them if they have some time for you. Tell them you mean to discuss some tension between you two (feel free to use a friendlier or more humorous tone). If they do not have time right away, arrange a meeting that suits both parties.
In case your colleague refuses to handle the tension with you in private, arrange a mediator's help right away.
A situation may arise in which there is a tension between a group and a colleague. This situation is especially tricky when it comes to a correct solution and it is particularly uncomfortable for the colleague in question. That is why you should abide by the following rules:
- If you are handling a personal tension with a colleague, do not get others involved if not necessary.
- Do not discuss problems behind your colleague's back.
- Take the confronted colleague's position under consideration; should you handle tension under pressure, the solution may prove to be ineffective.
A chosen representative should initiate the tension resolution and they should inform the confronted colleague that this is a group tension.
In case of a group tension it is necessary to initiate the solution with the help of a mediator.
The tension is then handled with the whole group participating.
Deal with the tension at a private place and when both parties have enough time.
Proceed in accordance with the following points. Ask your colleague to listen and to not interrupt you.
- This is what happened / This is what is happening => Describe the point of tension, without emotions.
- This is the way it makes me feel => Describe the emotional impact the tension has on you. Try to regulate your emotions so that the other can handle them. If this is difficult for you, openly admit it.
- Why do I think it is / was wrong => Let your colleague know why their behavior was, in your eyes, wrong (unless it is crystal clear).
- This is what I need from you => Describe the expected change in your colleague's behavior / approach. Tell them what this change will bring you or enable you to do.
Now it is your turn to ask questions, stop interrupting and listen empathetically to your colleague. Suppress your ego and try to understand them.
- What do you think happened / is happening? => Ask your colleague about their view of the point of the tension.
- How does it make you feel? => Ask your colleague about emotions the whole situation brings them.
- If you disagree with me, why do you think it is / was right? => Ask your colleague why they think their conduct was right. Try to put yourself in their shoes and understand where they are coming from.
- If you learn something new from the colleague, name it out loud. => It may be that there is just communication noise. You each saw the situation differently and the colleague's intentions may have been different than you originally thought.
- What support do you need from me in order to make this happen? => Ask your colleague what they need from you to be able to accommodate you so that you can continue to work together in a friendly atmosphere.
Come up with the next steps together.
Express your respect and thank your colleague for their goodwill and courage to handle the tension honestly and openly.
Do not forget that tension is a private matter. Unless you reach a different agreement, your meeting is confidential.
Consider arranging a retrospective meeting sometime in the future. You can check whether things are going according to your expectations there.
Knowing how to behave when approached about tension is important. If a colleague sees you and wants to deal with a problem, it is only fair to meet their request and listen carefully to what they have to say. Do not view the tension as a personal attack but, rather, as an opportunity to learn something about your colleague, get better and find out more about how others perceive your conduct.
At first, attempt to find out what your colleague sees as a problem and to understand their point of view. Afterwards, explain your motivation and why you thought you were doing the right thing. Like the other party, try to express yourself devoid of emotions and think rationally about your colleague's point of view. If you feel the discussion is stirring up emotions you can't control, name them out loud.
Standing by your opinion is absolutely fine, though it does mean that you will need to find someone who can help you with the problem.
Should you fail to come up with a next step that would be acceptable for both parties, it is about time you invite a mediator into the process.
"It seems we cannot agree on how to proceed on our own. Who can help us find a solution? Whom do we both trust?"
An ideal mediator is a person:
- Trustworthy for both parties
- Unbiased in the given tension
You should seek the mediator and ask him to mediate the tension together.
When someone asks you to be a mediator in a tension, thank them first for putting their trust in you in such an important and personal matter. Only accept the role if you feel up to it.
Should you, somewhere in the mediation process, have a feeling that this role is more than you can handle, do not be afraid to tell both parties and ask them to find a new mediator - or turn to the Council of Elders right away.
As a mediator:
- Listen to what both parties have to say and try to understand them (ideally, proceed in accordance with the sections in the chapter "Handling tension" above),
- Do not judge but, instead, offer different perspectives,
- Rephrase what was said, try to build a consensus,
- Broaden both parties' insight by asking open questions,
- Summarise for both parties what happened, how each of them perceived the situation, what emotions they experienced and make sure you have understood the situation correctly,
- Ask them afterwards if they have anything else to add to the situation,
- If you don't know by now what each of them needs to change to be happy, ask them with an open-ended question ("What would each of you think would be the ideal solution to this situation?"),
- Try to work with both parties to find a solution that works for both of them.
Should you fail to solve the tension even with a mediator's help, consulting the Council of Elders is the next step to take.
Consulting the Council of Elders works the same way as using a mediator.
If, after some time, a solution acceptable for both parties cannot be found, the Council of Elders is entitled to decide the matter by a vote. This, however, is an extreme option which should only occur exceptionally. Moral authority of the Council should be sufficient for solving most tensions without the need to make decisions for the tension participants.
| Version | Date | Change | Author | Corresponding CZ version |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| v0.1 | 2019/09/22 | Translate | ZWG | v0.1 |
| v1.1 | 2022/02/21 | Update translations | FKI | v1.1 |